What's that in the fence? Why, it's a boy!
2005-02-19
8:06 a.m.

There is something going on with the children in my neighborhood. At least the boys anyway. I looked out my window into my backyard this week and, much to my amusement, saw a boy down on his knees with his head stuck, yes stuck, through my neighbor's wooden privacy fence. And there was his grandmother, standing behind him, trying to figure out how to pull his head back out. When I stopped guffawing I went on out to see if I could be of use. I mean, really, how hard could it be to force the little booger's head back through? So I go on out and his grandmother, who is my other next-door neighbor, is still no closer to getting his head squeezed back through the fence, and now she's actually contemplating calling the fire department. I stifle a snort. I am a firm believer that if it can go in, it can come back out the same way. So I go around to the other side of the fence with every confidence that I will free this child. I get down there and start working with his head, and soon I'm wondering how he ever got his enormous head through this 8 inch slot in the first place. Not only is it not squeezing back through, even if his skull could make it, those ears will not. Holy Moses! Somebody call the fire department. How did he even get in this situation? Well, the kids were playing soccer and the ball got kicked into the neighbors back yard. Boy thought he could break off the bottom part of a board, fit his head and accompanying body through tiny slit and retrieve ball. My thought would have been to open the gate, but hey, I'm not an 8 year-old-boy. Ripping off boards just seems logical and is infinitely more fun. Plus it displays studliness to the girls who are watching. Until you are dropped down on both kness with your head trapped between two boards and your grandmother clucking over you. Then it's just humiliating. Finally Grandpa gets home from work and walks out onto his deck searching for his wife and grandchild. To his amazement he sees someone stuck in a fence. He begins to laugh and asks who it is, and I begin to laugh and tell him that it's his grandson. He stops laughing. This is now serious business. He tries his hand at getting Grandson unstuck and nearly severs his ears in the attempt. There is no way he's calling the fire department. At last he, too, decides that there's no way Grandson can get back through with his head intact, so he goes off for the hammer. Pound, pound, pound. No, not on Grandson's head. On the fence. At last Grandson is free and Grandma is fussing at him to get home and get his reports written. After all, if he'd have come in when she called him he wouldn't have gotten his head stuck in a fence in the first place. So Grandson meekly runs past onlooking girls and into the house, his visions of heroism snuffed. Poor little guy. It was funny though.

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