The home of Bass Pro, Brad Pitt, and Cashew Chicken
2005-02-20
2:51 p.m.

You have counted right. This is my fifth post this weekend. What can I say? J is gone for the weekend and I feel the need to procrastinate.

It occurred to me on my way home from delivering Ev to her final *see me do a victory dance* �Oz� performance, that I had left something off of my l01 Things list. I failed to tell you that I live in Brad Pitt�s (THE Brad Pitt's) hometown. Never mind the fact that Brad hates the place and couldn�t get out of here fast enough, that's beside the point. The point is that the local media will continue to relentlessly drive home the fact that �he�s our boy!� One of the radio stations advertises us as �the home of Bass Pro, Brad Pitt, and Cashew Chicken.� It�s hard to tell who the celebrity is here. I am not a big Brad fan. I like some of the movies he�s in, but not all, and I don�t think he�s *that* cute. Probably most of the people who live here feel the same way, but for some reason our PR person persists on trying to establish us as a Mecca for Pitt Fans. However, Kickapoo High School teachers aren�t down with that. And they shouldn�t be. It seems that (and I got this straight from a neighbor girl who goes to the same high school that Brad went to) the teachers at Kickapoo High all know that, in reality, Brad Pitt is a slacker. That�s right�a SLACKER! They're not happy about Brad being a role model for underachievers, and they are dead set against us memorializing Brad in any way, shape or form. Every time they catch lazy teenagers jacking around in class they slap them right into instantaneous productivity by reminding them that, �Hey, you better watch out or you�ll end up just like Brad Pitt!� As you can imagine, that promptly puts an end to any tomfoolery going on. What young man would want to have his lack of initiative rewarded with THAT? Thus far it has been pretty danged effective. We haven�t had any other mega-stars spring up from our midst since Brad. Except for possibly Aaron Burge, and he was only a wee little blip on �The Bachelor� screen. For a while our PR person milked this flash of fame to death, too. By golly, if we can�t draw the masses here for Brad then were going with �Mr. Fifteen Minutes of Fame!� But pretty much none of us cared and it seems that the rest of the world was on our side. So, now all we�re left with is Bass Pro and Cashew Chicken, and I�m totally screwed because I don�t like either one.

And here�s a little something extra. Brad has a brother named Doug. I know this because the paper likes to find him and pump him for information about his famous sibling. Like Doug is going to say, �You know, Brad is torn over his breakup with Jen and he�s coming home this weekend. Why don�t you all descend upon our house at about 7:00. I'm sure Brad would love to see all of you.� (If I were Doug, I'd do that as payback for all the dates I lost to him in high school.) Anyway, I digress. My purpose for telling you this was so that you, too, could laugh at the lack of foresight some parents have in naming their children. �Yes, honey, Douglas is a good strong name. We�ll save Bradley for our other son. You know, the one who'll be the disappointing slacker.� And then the day comes when Douglas becomes Dougie and then just Doug. Doug Pitt. With a loser name like that I�m sure Brad wasn�t the only slacker in the family.

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